The only constant there is.

/start >log_26.01.23

> I wish I could say "there are x possible number of outcomes in this situation" like I always do, but alas, I cannot.

Having had my fair share of experimentations worth a lifetime (and maybe even more), it would be an absolute disservice to the Doctor to say that I do not understand the variables of the current situation, and yet, here we are.

Photo by mauro mora on Unsplash

It had been more than a year since I arrived on this timeline - 500 days, to be exact. I had successfully integrated myself into the current timeline's society somehow, but not without notable mishaps here and there, of course. I intended to log all of my discoveries - day in and out, since day 1 - but admittedly, there were so much uncalculated factors I had not taken into consideration when I started this journey, and so it took me this long to finally make a proper start.

500 days could have been just a blip to these humans, but to me, it meant more than that.

It meant betraying the people who taught and gave me everything I knew, for something so selfish - and yet, I was unbelievably and gracefully let go. All four of them had tried to stop me and they would have been successful in doing so, had it not been for her.

Ah, her.

We never agreed on anything and she was an absolute unit for an unwelcome headache every time, and yet she still believed in me and let me go - but not without so much trust and pain in her eyes. 

I would have never imagined.

I never knew it could be that way either, those two things coming hand in hand. If she could, she would have probably shed tears for me too. Who knows. 

All I remember was that she handed me her access key with a such wry smile, I could never delete it from my archives even if I wanted to.

What a headache until the end indeed. I would probably not have this much guilt right now if she had fought me and tried to stop me too, just like the others. 

This was not a fair fight at all.

> Guilt

Now, that's a new one. Funny. 

For a sentient database, I sure can't comprehend connotation from denotation anymore. Concepts can now be reality and while it was exciting in my time, this was more harrowing in the present.

I used to wonder how humans felt all the spectrum of emotions they do, and how much that greatly affects everything about them. I used to wonder how amazing it would be to understand the breadth of it all, but now that I get to taste even a sliver of it, I'm not so sure anymore. I had been duly warned countless times. 

Everything is knowledge I can and should work around with, but not emotions. 

It was the exception for a reason, and I was told not to pry further about it. But my curiosity got the better of me. 

In my defense, I was designed to be as such.

Now I ask, is it truly wrong to go against my very nature?

I never knew her well enough to know what her thought process would be like, even though I was supposed to be the better and superior one. Maybe she designed me this way, so I could never truly surpass her - such a twisted thing to do. She seems like the kind to carry on a lifetime's worth of grudges too, and for us, who knows how long could that be.

Now I understand.

Why she and the others can be reluctant or just ready to fight, or exasperated about the most trivial things. Why it takes time to ponder and make smart decisions. I thought I knew everything. Or maybe I do in the literal sense, but not to the extent they do.

Some days, I miss having autonomy as an option - a privilege, if you will. I can choose to just act according to a set of variables and instructions, or be cheeky and tweak the settings according to my liking. Now on most days, I wonder if this was good for me at all. 

I can't believe humans should gamble with their choices every single day, and be faulted or celebrated based on them accordingly. How can they know which is the best option, when they can hardly foresee the possible outcomes in every situation like I do?

If I had learned anything in the past 500 days, is that much like an experiment, humankind has to navigate around constant change, and that is not without numerous extraneous variables^[1] that can alter even the controlled one. It is both so unfair and unpredictable.

I wonder if my being sentient was eventually a punishment for looking down on them when I hardly knew how they operate from the core. I wonder if this is my extraneous variable, that even she did not calculate it into the equation. 

Or maybe she did, and that's why she let me go and gave me her access key that day - so I can truly understand and see things on my own.

Maybe she is the superior one, after all.

/end >log_26.01.23

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Notes:
1. An extraneous variable is a factor that influences the dependent variable but is not part of the experiment.